Enlightened??

I think i just got enlightened about what it has been thats dragging me away from my Caanan..??

I have been on the way to my dream land, but the path was filled with Pricks and Thorns. But, the pain of stepping on them had blinded me into thinking that it wasnt the route to my destiny. After all, I never pictured the way to be this damn HarD!!

Quite often, I look at the My past in awe and wonder, how i could do all that.. Often, I wish i could go back to being the old me.. Most of my friends think Im that same old person.. But, deep inside I know how much of it Im not.. Though I stand up for the same things, Ive lost most of my energy and will (is dat it??im confused!!!)..

Oh God, could start over from two years ago??

The thorns in the present road undertaken, have caused me to run after another road, which is a haven in my Comfort Zone.. Most of what I do is relax and enjoy in the virtual road that comforts me and guides me into a deep abyss that i didnt see coming until today!..! I know this comfortable road leads nowhere good, but can i help it???

Well, its better that i did for My own sake.. I ve realized what the two Big Demons are... Now, i just need to learn to tackle them and re-prioritize!!!

Hope i stay focused and motivated!!!! :)

Betrayed??

Somehow cant escape the feeling of being betrayed!!! Did someone actually betray me?? NO!! But i guess, somehow, subconsciously, i always felt that even when people moved on against me, that she'd keep me company on the same road in the same direction.. Hmmmm.... Sigh!!! I try to just move past it, coz it shudnt affect me dat much.. Somebody else's life, their future, we're not even dat good friends... Or are we?? Well, i guess it doesnt matter either way now.. Since when did i start caring about what career my friends' chose??? Im sure that definitely isnt it, either..

Was it the presence of my past foe on my unchosen path?? Could have been upto some extent... Was it the presence of most of my older friends over there on my unchosen path and the fact that i would miss it altogether?? Isnt that a Jealous thought??( it most probably isnt it, then!!) i guess its the Deja Vu feeling associated with it, i have been there at this kinda point of life, once before, 4 years agoooo...

My decision to chose the less ridden road, changed my Life forever.. and it was the better part of Life that i Lost... Is history repeating itself??? This is indeed a life changing decision and again i find Myself on the less chosen path...... Why does this happen this often?? Am i genetically wired to always go for the less taken path??? May be... But it hurts me , when sb i care about leaves me alone on that path, to wander off in the opposite direction.. Theres much more im feeling right noww.. somehow cant pen it down!!!!

My first post

Setting : In the Music dimension with Aerosmith's "Dont wanna Close my Eyes".

A couple of days ago i was crying out to God to let me be the "Old me".. I was tired of the hatred,despair and disappointment that has engulfed my heart.. I just wanted to feel the calmness of being happy and in Love with everything around me.. I had forgotten what that feeling was like, especially after i set foot in the wretched place called my "College"..

I wanted to be "me", but, found no reason that would push me in that direction.. I was weary..... Even the wedding ceremony a few hours earlier that day couldnt shake off the rust that was in me... I was glad to see my long lost sweetheart, but somehow, the feeling of loneliness only deepened when i was next to her and i still realized the grave reality that i could never have her... As always had to be satisfied the Bittersweet memories... Back at home, well, since me and God are in good terms at the moment =P, things did seem to at least crawl forward.. 

It must have been around 2230 hours, when God answered my prayers.. As usual,since i have a delayed response to most ecstatic feelings, i didnt know how to react at first to unexpected lovely sms i received, i had to reply soon.. But, i got soo confused abt how i should phrase my feelings... I did blurt something in my mixed state of confusion and excitement. I had much trouble sleeping that night..well, obviously!!

I got up on a fresh sunday, i just went back to get my cell to see if it all was just a dream and it wasnt.. And the world somehow looked different.. The cool air of early morning, and the smell of the world around me was just awesome.. Yesterday was the best day Ive had in more than 3 years... I realized again that deep in my heart, i still have remnants of the Old flame that lighted my Life 6 years ago.. Though, now it was only based on a Hope Beyond Hope and the wishes of my Loving God in the heavens.... I knew I was just fantasizing... But i couldnt help the way i was Feeling...

It was one of those rare days in which i prayed, "God, i want to LIVE!!"

The next day, that's today, i went back to Gehenna, and though i tried as hard to stay that Lovely way filled with the Beautiful Hope, i was back were i started. I found myself being sucked into a black hole of hatred and anger.. All the Love drained out of me...  When will such a day ever come again??